Another anniversary

It was one year ago that "Dr. Dolittle," as we christened him, told me I had leiomyosarcoma. I remember being a bit anxious prior to my appointment, because I had asked him to contact me at some point between my biopsy (December 7) and my appointment if the news was not good. Several of my closest friends and I debated whether not hearing from him meant it was good news or that he had simply not contacted me -- either because he forgot or because he didn't wish to do so. I believe now that it was the latter. He didn't want to prepare me, so he ignored my request and decided to dump it on us in the office. At least he had some print-outs about LMS from the internet (which he admit he hadn't read) to give me. He didn't realize that what I learned from those papers would make me smart enough to fire him less than a month later.

So what seemed to be a nightmare actually became one. I don't remember much: He said the tumor in my ankle may not be the primary, but I didn't really understand the significance of that. (Ed and I had never dealt with cancer before, so we didn't comprehend that this would mean the ankle tumor was a metastases, placing me directly at stage IV.) I remember thinking, "Well, merry Christmas to me!" I don't remember his resident removing my cast, but I do remember him struggling to remove the stitches. The rest of the day I was in a fog. I remember talking to my mom, but not what I said. I don't remember who I called, when I called them, or what I said.

It's interesting where things lead. Leiomyosarcoma.info taught me just about everything I needed to learn about LMS (sometimes too much) and as a result, I joined a message board for people with LMS, their families and their caregivers. Through that board, I met Ben, who pointed me to Dr. Healey, who removed my tumor and gave me a new shot at enjoying a long life. I've lost Ben since then, but I've gained a lot, too.

In the past year, I've learned I'm tougher than I thought and that ignoring something will not make it go away. I learned that I have to take control of my healthcare, because no one else will. I know that some people disappear when the chips are down, but many others rise to the occasion and hang in there for the long term. I realize it's important to ask for help when you need it. I need to live the rest of my life, regardless of its length, with purpose, happiness, love, forgiveness, peace, and kindness. I'm still working on that last part, especially the purpose and forgiveness stuff, but perhaps I'm making more progress than I would have had this not happened to me.

I am grateful to everyone who has repeatedly offered me the most precious gifts any human can offer another: her/his time, love, patience, and understanding. I thank you from every corner of my heart.