How is it possible...

to feel so "normal" when things aren't normal? I've been asking myself this question over the past few weeks and I don't have an answer. The four days following the first treatment of each cycle, I feel nauseated and fatigued, I have trouble falling/staying asleep, and I'm constantly blowing my runny nose. Then I feel good for two days before starting all over again. Then I have a nine day run where I feel "normal" and I can't wrap my brain around the fact that I have cancer. Over the past several days while I've been working from home, I've cleaned both bathrooms, the bedroom, the dining room and the den, and mopped the kitchen floor. I've cooked split pea soup, pork chili, parmesan chicken pilliards, and sloppy joes (which I didn't particularly like but Ed did). Today I'm making black bean soup for Sunday, since it takes six hours and I know I'll be mainly down for the count over the weekend. I finally printed all the photos from our cruise in November and I'm working on the video. I'm asymptomatic, and life seems good. I just don't feel sick.

I know, that's a good thing, what am I complaining about, I should be happy that I feel good when I could really feel ill. It's not that I'm ungrateful. It's just that the tumors and even the chemo seems surreal. Is it possible to fight the "evildoers" when I don't even feel like they exist? A friend wrote after I informed him of my current condition to suggest that I might I have a tougher fight with my mind than with my body. I believe he's correct. The chemo is killing off those tumors, but I spend a lot of time worrying about how well the treatment is working and how to accept that I'm a cancer patient.

If anyone wants to trade brains with me for a while, I'd be happy to loan this one out. Eventually I'd like it returned, though.

Tomorrow is treatment day again -- the beginning of the third cycle -- so it will be a quiet weekend. I'll try to post in the next few days to let you know how I'm doing. In the meantime, stay warm!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

We are finally getting the snowstorm we've been waiting for all winter. Unfortunately, I'm in the office rather than sipping hot chocolate at home, and the snow is going to change to freezing rain and rain later today. The afternoon commute should be a long one.

Otherwise, the falling snow is lovely even here in Manhattan, and now that our offices are on the 23rd floor, we get a great view of the snow on the rooftops and the flakes as they zoom past the windows. As most of you know, Ed and I are snow lovers and enjoy a good snowstorm or two every winter, but we've had a dearth of them in recent years. This is the first measurable snow we've had all season -- and I can only watch it from inside the office!!! Oh well, at least I didn't have to be in for treatment this morning at 8:15, as I didn't arrive at the office until almost 8.

The sun will be shining by Sunday with temperatures in the mid-40s so any snow that survives the rain this afternoon will be gone soon. With a few weeks of winter left, maybe we'll get lucky and get another snowstorm...on a weekend. :)

A week off!!

Over the long holiday weekend, we traveled out to Michigan to visit our friends, Skip and Kathy, who we met on our first Royal Caribbean cruise on Brilliance of the Seas back in 2003. We were seated at a table at main dining with Skip, Kathy and their two grown children, and we've been friends ever since, visiting back and forth over the years. It was a quiet visit, since we drove out there the day following my treatment and Kathy was recovering from some surgery, but we enjoyed their company and hopefully they enjoyed ours.

I was a little nervous Friday and Saturday as I decreased the antiemetic (nausea) drug they give me prior to treatment from 8 mg to 4. It's a steriod, and it was causing me to retain fluid and causing two nights of insomnia. Being that I'm sensitive to stomach upset anyway, I had to try not to make myself ill by worrying that I was going to be ill. I found I was slightly more nauseated on Saturday but I slept well both Friday and Saturday nights. If I nibble throughout the day, it helps keep the nausea at bay so that's what I did during our 11-hour trip. Other than being tired over the weekend, I felt fairly good and I felt back to normal by Wednesday. Thanks to everyone who checked on me over the weekend.

This week is my Friday off, so I'm hoping my blood counts will recover a bit and I can enjoy the weekend like a normal person.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Just a quick note...

Belated Happy Valentine's Day to all.

We will be away this weekend, so I will likely not be updating my blog following today's treatment until sometime next week. I didn't want anyone to worry when nothing was posted over the weekend.

Hope the sun is shining wherever you are. :)

One of those days....

Why oh why didn't I listen when Ed said, "If you stay home today, I'll make you hot chocolate"? First, he never suggests that I stay home (he's always been Mr. Responsibility) and second, he never makes hot chocolate (that's my forte). So, after the wind was howling most of the night and the temperatures dropped from 52 degrees (at lunch) to 11.5 degrees (at 4:30 this morning), why did I not take him up on that offer? When I couldn't get comfortable and tossed and turned from 7 p.m. until almost 10 and therefore didn't get in my eight hours, why didn't I snuggle back under the covers? After the bus broke down in the parking lot and we had to wait 20 minutes for another bus (which was then completely packed by the time we made our final stop), why didn't I call and say, "Come and get me"? When the express bus lane heading to the Lincoln Tunnel was closed and traffic was backed up for miles and it took an extra hour to get to work (on top of the 20 minutes already lost), why didn't I get onto a bus heading in the opposite direction and go back home? Between the nausea, a runny nose and its resultant cough, feeling fatigued and just off, can anyone tell me why in my right mind I didn't stay home today???? Anyone??

Next time, I'm pulling the covers over my head and going back to sleep. And I'm going to enjoy every sip of that hot chocolate when I finally get up...

"Island Girl"

Thought I should explain my new profile photo. It was taken on our aft balcony on Azamara Quest as the sun was setting over Tobago on November 30, 2007. We purchased the t-shirt onboard Island Girl, which was the name of the catamaran on which we sailed that day. As previously mentioned, it was a fabulous excursion made all the better because of the great passengers with whom we shared the adventure -- and the rum punch!

Ed took this photo of me when we returned. Ward specifically requested the full "Island Girl" treatment.

Cycle 2 Begins...

Our friend, Anne, reminded me yesterday that I failed to update my blog last week. I suppose I was feeling so good on my week off that I didn't stay on top of my blogging. I will try not to skip a week in the future.

After the initial two days of nausea and two days of tolerating a constantly runny nose after my January 23 treatment, I felt very good these past two weeks. I drank some wine in the evenings, stayed up a little bit later at night, cooked dinner a few times and, yes, finally got some house cleaning done last weekend. It's strange to me that I feel like I'm not contributing to the household if I'm not keeping up with the housekeeping or cooking, despite the fact that Ed is doing a terrific job of taking on additional chores. (He did a fabulous job on the bathroom!) I suppose over time we've delineated our responsibilities and when I'm not performing mine, I feel guilty. Whatever the reason, I did feel better after getting a little dusting and vacuuming done.

Yesterday was the first treatment of my second cycle, and although I feel less fatigued so far than last time, the nausea is back. So far I've avoided taking any medication because I don't like the side effects and restrictions listed on the insert, but if keeping a little bit of food in my stomach ceases to help, I will have to break down and take it. While food seems to taste the same, water started tasting strange to me following my treatment yesterday. It's not really a metallic taste, but it's somewhat "off." Ed picked up some seltzer for me to try and I'm also going to try some Pelligrino. It's not bad enough that I'm not drinking water, but it's no longer tasteless. We'll see how long that lasts. As long as it doesn't make wine taste weird, I'm sure I can handle it. :)

Other than making a trip out to the bank this morning, I've been indoors since we got home from NYC yesterday around 3. My appointment was at 8:15 and my treatment started at 9:45. My bloodcounts are still good, and although I had a small clog in my port, the treatment went off without a hitch. We were done by 11:15 and since we had eaten breakfast at 6:30, we stopped for lunch before I went back to the office for a few hours. Since I started to get very tired around 1:30, we called it a day and headed back home.

I must give the chemo nurses at MSK kudos. Yesterday I was attended to by Bridget, who, like all of the chemo nurses I've dealt with thus far, was friendly, thoughtful, competent and able to make an unpleasant situation less of a chore. I don't know how they all keep their good nature and sunny dispositions considering the work they do, but I know I appreciate it.

Thanks again to Kate, who "met" me in Tobago yesterday morning. She must have been up early out there in Texas and generating images of heat and sun long before 9 a.m., because despite the fact that it was only in the 30s at 7 a.m., I was walking around the office and then MSK wearing only a T-shirt (and pants, of course). During our cruise, we took an all-day excursion on a catamaran and visited two lovely, water-accessible only spots for snorkeling and swimming. If you have looked at my Webshots album, that is the day we were visited by the stingray. It was a beautiful, picture perfect, sunny, warm, gorgeous day, and Kate and I did our best to help use up the boat's supply of rum. We are now official "Island Girls" and have the shirts to prove it (in fact, I'm wearing it in my new profile photo). Thanks for the visit, Kate. Since it was only a 14-day cruise, you're going to run out of places to visit pretty soon! Looks like we'll have to book another cruise together.

Thanks, as always, to all of you who send me positive thoughts and check in on me by phone or e-mail. Your thoughtfulness and concern mean so much to me.

Until the next time...