Four days later...

I'm back in the office, having had a holiday yesterday, and I was very glad for the extended weekend. I felt great Saturday morning, but in the late afternoon I started to feel as if I had a sunburn on the back of my neck, my shoulders and my back. Thankfully, that sensitivity was gone by Sunday morning, but I awoke with lots of pressure behind my left eye. It felt like sinus pressure but a Tylenol allergy pill did nothing to relieve it. It actually hurt to move my eyeball. By yesterday morning it felt much better, although even today I can feel the residual soreness. Other than feeling tired yesterday, I was almost back to my usual self. I finally got the Christmas ornaments packed away (no laughing at me) and we went out for Mexican food at lunch and then made a short visit to see my mom. I feel like I could use a nap, but that's not unusual for me. I'm trying to eat small portions of food more often as the cancer nutrition books advise, and I'm drinking lots of water.

I made my CT scan appointment for March 12, and with any luck there will be a tech there who can access my port for the IV contrast. I spent too much time worrying about that over the weekend, so I obviously need to work on my anxiety levels and learn to stop obsessing over things. I won't really know until I get there if they will use my port or not, so I need to put that to bed until the 12th. I'm not taking any bets on my success with that, though!

I find that I'm accepting of my situation as long as I have something to do: an article to read, research to do, side effects to check on, appointments to make, bills to review, etc. Having some down time when I wasn't feeling 100% on Sunday afternoon left me thinking about all that's happening and how scary it is. I know logically that no one knows what life will bring or how long it will last, but I was always one of those people who spent absolutely no time thinking about illness, disease or death -- mainly because those ideas scared the crap out of me. Now I'm faced with stage IV metastatic lung disease and I wonder, how did this happen? What's going to happen now? How much time do I have left and how much of that time can I actually enjoy? I suppose the long-term planner and organizer in me is going to have to turn the reins over to someone who has a shorter term view. I think the days of planning vacations 18 months in advance may be gone, but hey, good deals can be found at the last moment, can't they? An attitude readjustment in many areas is going to be necessary to face this latest challenge and it's not going to be easy, as I am definitely not a person who enjoys change.

If you have any advice or words of wisdom, feel free to pass them on. Thank you, my friends, for your strength, your compassion, your laughter, your generosity, and your insights. I don't know what I'd do without you.