to feel so "normal" when things aren't normal? I've been asking myself this question over the past few weeks and I don't have an answer. The four days following the first treatment of each cycle, I feel nauseated and fatigued, I have trouble falling/staying asleep, and I'm constantly blowing my runny nose. Then I feel good for two days before starting all over again. Then I have a nine day run where I feel "normal" and I can't wrap my brain around the fact that I have cancer. Over the past several days while I've been working from home, I've cleaned both bathrooms, the bedroom, the dining room and the den, and mopped the kitchen floor. I've cooked split pea soup, pork chili, parmesan chicken pilliards, and sloppy joes (which I didn't particularly like but Ed did). Today I'm making black bean soup for Sunday, since it takes six hours and I know I'll be mainly down for the count over the weekend. I finally printed all the photos from our cruise in November and I'm working on the video. I'm asymptomatic, and life seems good. I just don't feel sick.
I know, that's a good thing, what am I complaining about, I should be happy that I feel good when I could really feel ill. It's not that I'm ungrateful. It's just that the tumors and even the chemo seems surreal. Is it possible to fight the "evildoers" when I don't even feel like they exist? A friend wrote after I informed him of my current condition to suggest that I might I have a tougher fight with my mind than with my body. I believe he's correct. The chemo is killing off those tumors, but I spend a lot of time worrying about how well the treatment is working and how to accept that I'm a cancer patient.
If anyone wants to trade brains with me for a while, I'd be happy to loan this one out. Eventually I'd like it returned, though.
Tomorrow is treatment day again -- the beginning of the third cycle -- so it will be a quiet weekend. I'll try to post in the next few days to let you know how I'm doing. In the meantime, stay warm!
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2 comments:
How is it possible you ask? You feel normal because you are normal. You are in control of the cancer; the cancer is not in control of you! If you didn't know you had it (some people have that happen to them) you would still be living life "normally" as you put it. Yes, things and routines have changed but you, your spirit, the person you are and that we love is the same and always will be the same. The cancer is not you. It is an illness that you have to live with but don't have to be controlled by. I feel "not normal" because of my depression. To let the depressed define me as a person would be allowing it to control who I am. That is what I have learned not to allow! You can and are doing the same. You go girl! You keep cleaning, cooking, reading and just loving every single day. That is what life is - an appreciation of every single day we have been blessed with even when the chips are down.
Keep up the fabulous work and attitude. I am so proud of you and proud to have you as my very special friend. Love, Lydia
Brilliant spot-on advice, as those wonderful Brits would say. I have to remember that the cancer does not define me, despite it being the elephant ever present in the room. Thanks, as always, for the encouragement. Now, get your kids and husband healthy so I can get a hug!!
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