More thoughts

Well, I thought I would feel better after having vented all that, but I don't so much. I suppose the fact that I have cancer is just hitting me right in the face. I know, it sounds ridiculous. I've known I've had cancer since December 2005. The difference is that it didn't really show. For example, I was in various casts following my initial surgery for about eight weeks, but most of that time I was at home, and no one saw me other than friends and family. When the hair fell out on the back of my head following radiation, I couldn't see it unless I looked in the mirror -- and believe me, I rarely looked in the mirror. Now, I see people looking at me when I'm hacking away and can't stop, and I looked in the mirror on vacation and didn't recognize myself. I finally faced the fact that I didn't know who I was any longer. My hair didn't look like me, my face doesn't look like me, and my body certainly doesn't look like me. It's like a slap in the face, reality looking back at me. It's scary.

So, I cut my hair, finally bought a few new pairs of pants that actually fit, and made some appointments to try to deal with the cough. The pulmonologist wants me to try two more things (his last tricks in the bag) and recommended that rather than returning to the thoracic surgeon at MSKCC, I seek another opinion about whether surgical removal of the tumor is possible. Prior to that, however, I'll be meeting with the pain management doctor to arrange to have the phrenic nerve numbed. Maybe that will give me some relief from the coughing. I'll find out on April 8 what the procedure entails and when we can arrange it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get moving again. I worked from home this week, so I finished our taxes, got my financial documents back in order, did some weeding last weekend when the weather was warm (today it's 40), finally put the Christmas ornaments away (yes, believe it or not), got some housecleaning done, and visited with friends. I'm trying to catch up on my e-mails and get back to this blog. Now if I can just make some time for doing crafts...

I'm still not happy with the way I feel from this chemo treatment. The fatigue and the muscle cramps are especially trying. I don't know whether the treatment is making the cough worse or if the pollen is now contributing to the irritation. I'm not gaining any weight, but I've leveled off again. Let's hope this is the final level. I don't want to buy clothes again.

I know that I'm complaining, but I actually think it's time. I feel as if I've been trying to be the happy, positive cancer patient for so long that no one has taken my few complaints seriously. It seems to be true that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. We'll just have to see what happens from here.

My pulmonologist gave me a referral to another thoracic surgeon, but we'll hold off on that until after the numbing procedure. He also gave me a referral to a nutritionist, since the next available appointment with MSKCC's nutritionists isn't until May 25. Can you believe that??? In the meantime, I'm trying different foods to see how they taste, although that seems to change from one day to the next. Chocolate and chocolate cake is still out, but brownies seem to have turned around. I suppose it's simply trial and error at this point.

Thanks for your patience and for "listening" to all this venting. I'll try to get back here in a few days.