Thoughts

I've been reading quite a bit today about people's perceptions of themselves with cancer. All have written that they don't like to be called "victims," and one wrote that he doesn't consider himself "brave" nor likes the constant illusions to war: fighting, battling, slaying, killing, etc. I've been giving this a lot of thought. I have to agree that I do not consider myself a cancer victim. I'm a person who has cancer. I am definitely not brave and I do not view myself as in a fight or war. Usually, I'm a person who is partly scared, partly angry, partly sad, partly glad who is just trying to do her best in the face of this new reality.

It's not brave to undergo treatment or the scans. They are just things that must be done. If I don't have treatment, my cancer will grow and I will eventually die. Where is the choice in that? Research is essential because I have to know what my options are, what treatments are left, what new ones are being studied, what is on the horizon. I need to keep on top of the bills, because despite the fact that insurance covers almost everything now, that doesn't mean that mistakes won't be made -- plus, those referrals always need to be requested and renewed. I need to keep an up-to-date schedule, or I would lose track of who I'm supposed to see when and for what. That's not being brave or courageous -- it's being organized and informed.

I don't know where I want to go with all this, but I needed to get it written down. I feel as if I have hit bottom at this point and I need to make some new choices. The cough has reached the point of truly interfering with my life. It interrupts my conversations, makes me very self-conscious, prevents me from enjoying myself at restaurants, on vacations or with other people, and none of the many medications I'm taking really helps. They all do something, but that something is not enough. I've scheduled an appointment to see the pain management doctor to investigate having that nerve numbed again. It's really my last hope to deal with this issue, and I've put it off long enough because I was scared to try it knowingly (last time I was unconscious) and I was in denial about how bad the cough is.

The nurse/case manager from my insurance company recommended that I see a nutrionist. Despite having maintained my weight during our vacation, I've lost another two pounds since then. Because food doesn't taste right, I just don't feel like eating much of it. Today my boss made me go to McDonald's to get a Big Mac, fries and a shake. Although he never brings it up himself, he's worried about the weight I've lost since November 2008 -- about 20 pounds now. I kept hoping that my taste buds would normalize and I would be able to turn this around myself, but I can't believe that anymore. And because so many things don't taste right, I avoid going out to eat both with Ed or with friends -- and that was something I enjoyed.

Please don't ask me if I'm depressed. Ed asked me that question the other day. I don't think I am. I just think I've isolated myself because of all these issues (plus the fatigue and my various aches and pains), and now I've reached the point where I have to start doing something different -- many things different actually. I'm no longer the person I was before I was diagnosed. That's normal, I suppose, but I haven't improved, especially since the radiation in 2008. Unless I want to live the rest of my life hiding in the house, feeling miserable and tired, avoiding restaurants and vacations, I need to make changes.

More on all of this later...